OK, so conversations with non-Christians aren’t what they used to be. In years gone by, it seems you could just disagree with someone and everyone was fine with that. You could just shake hands and move on.
But now, in our tense cultural situation, disagreement is regarded as a personal attack. To disagree with someone is to be hateful and unloving toward them.
This is why it can sometime seems like conversations with non-Christians can quickly escalate to DEFCON 1. Before you know it, somehow it’s nuclear war.
As a result, I think Christians have struggled with how to talk with non-Christians in our current culture. Some have decided the conversations are just not worth it. Any hint at a disagreement causes some believers to tuck tail and run.
Other Christians take the opposite approach. They figure if a good fight is what someone wants, then by golly we’ll give them one. So, some Christians enter every conversation with both guns out of the holster, ready for a showdown.
Needless to say, neither extreme is healthy for the church. So, here are a few tips/reminders to consider in your conversations. There’s nothing particularly earth-shattering here, but hopefully keeping these things in mind can help:
1. It’s not arrogant to think you can know things about God. One thing I’ve noticed over the years, is that Christians are very wary of being labelled dogmatic or arrogant. Our culture bristles at any claims of certain knowledge, insisting that such claims constitute intellectual hubris. As a result, Christians often shy away from claiming they know anything for sure.
But, lurking behind the charge that Christians are arrogant is a certain assumption about the way religion works. Many non-Christians view “religion” as merely human attempts to discover and learn things about God. Religion is simply the fallible act of humans trying to figure out the divine. Now, on that definition of religion, the Christian claim would indeed be arrogant!
The problem, of course, is that this is not how Christian’s understand their own religion. We don’t believe our knowledge comes from our efforts to figure out God, but rather is the result of God graciously revealing himself to us. For Christianity, religion is not about man finding God, but about God showing himself to man. It is about God seeking out lost sinners and opening their eyes to the truth. That is the opposite of an arrogant claim.
So, don’t abandon your certainty under the guise of humility. If God reveals himself by grace, then we can be humble and certain at the same time.
2. Have patience with the non-Christian’s situation. In our conversations, it’s easy to get frustrated, even irritated, when our non-Christian friends don’t “get it.” But, we need to remember what Paul says, “The natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are folly to him and he is not able to understand them” (1 Cor 2:14).
Remembering this truth can help us show patience, even compassion, to our non-Christian friends. To understand the truth, they need God to open their eyes to see it. Just like God was patient with us, so we can be patient with them.
3. You Don’t Have to Know All the Answers. Sometimes we shy away from conversations out of fear that we will be caught without an answer to a tough question. But is this a reason to disengage from our cultural conversations? Not at all.
First of all, not having an answer does not affect the truth of what you believe. Your beliefs can be absolutely correct, even if you cannot explain or defend them. Consider other beliefs we might hold. We believe humans landed on the moon in 1969, but if we happened to strike up a conversation with a moon landing denier (these folks are more common than you think) who shared all his well-crafted objections, and pressed us to defend our beliefs, we would probably have very few answers. But, surely we wouldn’t abandon that belief just because we were stumped! Our belief would still be correct.
Also, don’t confuse not having an answer with there not being an answer. The two are not the same. Even if you don’t have answers to difficult questions, that does not mean there are none. Indeed, you should know that most of the objections you will hear are old news (even though they are often presented like no one had ever thought of them before).
4. You have to speak truth, but you don’t always have to speak. Sometimes I think we have the impression that it is our job to enter into every debate and engage every conversation. Indeed, some Christians seem to be looking for a fight, jumping into the fray whenever they can.
But, this is not always necessary. When we speak, we have to speak the truth. But we don’t always have to speak. Sometimes it is wise not to speak. It might be wise to wait for a different moment or opportunity.
And truth be told, that can keep us out of trouble. As Proverbs says, “When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise” (10:19).
5. Your goal in the conversation should not be to “win” but to persuade. Our disposition in a conversation is key to its success. If our goal is to win (whatever that may mean) then suddenly the conversation becomes about us—how we look, how good of a debater we are, etc.
Instead, the goal should be to persuade the non-Christian of the truth. And then the conversation is no longer about us, but about them—how they can be reached, how to help them understand.
Yes, we must remember that only the Holy Spirit ultimately opens eyes to the truth. But, our attitude and disposition in a conversation matter. “Always be prepared to make a defense . . . but do it with gentleness and respect” (1 Pet 3:16).
In the end, these five things won’t solve every challenge we face in the complex conversations we have with non-Christians. But, I think they are a step in the right direction.
Our goal is not to avoid all conversations. Nor is it to enter into bare-fisted brawls with everyone we can. Instead, our goal is to patiently, but boldly, engage our culture as opportunities arise, always “speaking the truth in love” (Eph 4:15).
Van Rhodes says
Great reminders. Thanks!
Michael Guertin says
I’m so grateful for you and your invaluable work Brother Mike. ☝️
Will says
Super timely for me as I lead a Gospels class at church. Thanks for posting it for the laymen !
Abigail Preko says
Thank you for the 5th point. We like to win the argument or make strong irrefutable cases, but we must persuade in gentleness and in love.
Jonathon says
Thank you so much for this article! I sent this to my college group. I did slightly modify #5 to them (of course noting the change and linking to this original article). I thought it important because, in my understanding anyway, no unbeliever can be persuaded into belief (Rom 8.7, 1 Cor 2 as you noted). But we do understand the means that God has given us – not so much to persuade but to proclaim with love.
This is how I adjusted your #5:
5. Your goal in the conversation should not be to “win” but to >>proclaim truth with love<>Instead, the goal should be to proclaim the truth to the non-Christian. We know this to be their only hope because we know that the gospel is the power of God unto salvation (Rom 1.16). We also know that it was the goal of Paul’s ministry to preach the truth of the gospel, knowing that for some, the hearing of that preaching would be the power of God to salvation (1 Cor 1.17-24). We know thirdly that proclaiming the truth is the goal because Paul so clearly defends preaching by telling us that “faith comes by hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ” (Rom 10.17). We ultimately desire that they obtain saving faith! I hope we don’t get tripped up by the term “preaching”. All that means for us in our contexts is to declare what is true; to state what the Bible states as true. It’s actually a relief to be able to defer to God and say, “These are not my words – this is what God has said.” I also hope we don’t get the idea that proclaiming truth is speaking a stanza of words like a robot. We speak truth with a real desire that the unbeliever be freed from their slavery to sin. A key to knowing how to proclaim truth is by being a compassionate listener and finding out where they are coming from. Some people might be blind to the offensiveness of their “small” sins toward God and need an emphasis on the holiness of God (Matt 5.48 for example). On the other hand, some may understand their sin but be drowning in the load of them and need an emphasis on the radical grace of God (Psalm 103). And some who proclaim to be believers but living like the world may need an emphasis on warning (Heb 12.14). But all need truth, centered on the gospel.<<
Gregg Doyle says
The way “truth” is used in these comments and article are at odds with my understanding of “truth” as found in the gospel of John. Specifically John 3:21, “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.” (NIV)
There are articles and books about how the bombardment of words through all the media channels has forever changed our reality. I can and have both argued and studied, to prove the “truth” of my words. My young son rocked my world when he told me “stop talking and start being”. I now realize that there can be no argument with the “truth” of my actions. Again in John’s gospel 1:18. “No one has ever seen God, but God the one and only, who is at the father’s side, has made him known.” (NIV) Jesus went about showing God to us by his actions, culminating in his dying for all who may come. There is no argument with this kind of “truth”.
Anonymous says
Having been a non-christian for eighteen years, then becoming a Christian, maybe I can offer some insightful ideas. You said:
“Remembering this truth can help us show patience, even compassion, to our non-Christian friends. To understand the truth, they need God to open their eyes to see it. Just like God was patient with us, so we can be patient with them.”
First of all, compassion should be #1.
Second of all, if you are doing something out of true love, your patience won’t be taxed. Your expectation of personal success in convincing them should be non-existent. Our power is in our testimony. What Jesus did for us. Share your testimony.
Third, non-Christians do not have the ability to personalize Christ the way you personalize Him.
And, they may not even need you to come to a saving knowledge of Christ. And if you treat them wrong you might be more of an obstacle than a help.
Before I was a Christian I went to church with my dad. One Sunday, for no particular reason I asked Jesus to show me who he really was. Why? Because so many people made such a big deal out of worshiping him. That sudden inspiration to know who Jesus really was did not come from any person. That was an unction from God. It was years before Jesus showed me who he was and it had nothing to do with my family. It was a sovereign revelation when I went to a prayer meeting out of curiosity. I sensed an eternal power touched me when people were praying. Nobody proselytized me.
The moral of the story is this. You can’t approach non-Christians with any assumptions about how they view Christianity. God reveals his nature to everyone from the time they are born. Chances are they will never see He did until they know Him.
One time in high school before I was a Christian, I knew a popular girls in my grade who was a professed Christian. She was very nice and everybody liked her. Her sweet personality made her popular, not because she hung out with certain kids. I commented to somebody one day about how nice she was and they asked me if I was a Christian. I said, “Heck no! Not me.”
I though Christians were weird and I did not want to be weird. But God had another plan.
He showed Christians were not out of touch and odd. He did it though that nice girl. But I didn’t put his elegant scheme until years after I accepted Christ. Remember that God is not constrained by time. He revealed this thing about himself through that girl BEFORE I accepted Him. Though I did not recognize it at the time. I am sure somewhere in the depths of my mind I accepted her kindness as part of Christianity. So when I finally did encounter God there was that wellspring of testimony resident inside me. Perhaps not consciously. But a tiny butterfly can change the weather. And we never see that butterfly. That is the kindness of God. Well done girlfriend. It was so long ago, don’t even remember her name.
Next, If you treat people like they are reprobate, you will turn them off to Christianity. Unbelievers are living in a reality that makes sense to them. Everybody lives in a reality that makes sense to them.
If unbelievers are for abortion rights it isn’t because they hate God. It’s because they probably don’t want the government telling them what to do with their own bodies. They are sensitive to individual rights. Take that at face value.
Say to them, “I understand you see things this way. I might too if I was not a Christian because that actually does make sense if you are not. But because I am, I feel it is important to protect the unborn. I can’t apologize for that any more than you can apologize for what you believe. It’s just that I can’t get past my own concerns about ceasing the life of the unborn. I hope you understand.”
You never know if the butterfly effect will change that someday.
Disagreements and challenges are fine. But you can’t turn things into a pitched battle. Just affirm their reasons and state your own. God is capable of working in all situations. They belong to him, not you.
Going back to compassion.
Making compassion #1 means you regard others as having their own views. You respect that. Your testimony is the most powerful thing you possess besides the wellspring of the love of Christ. It’s not about you. It’s never about you. It is about the unbelievers. You have already received your reward in the form of knowing Jesus. Imagine what your life would be like without that. If that doesn’t compel you to compassion, nothing will.
You have a treasure in an earthen vessel. You didn’t give it to yourself. God gave it to you.
The bible also says to esteem each man better than yourself. I think that is to remind us we have a great commission to preach the gospel and love others. To me that is what “esteem” means. Think of them as precious in the eyes of God. I think that is God’s message in that passage.
At this point in time I am very frustrated with the church. I won’t lie. I think it has compromised itself way too much and has lost compassion and an awareness of the greatness of God. Keep in mind that Jesus came here to seek and save the lost.
Van Rhodes says
Thanks for your insight. That’s a big help to me.